Monday 25 September 2017 07:50:08 PM

A Guide to Ireland For Foreigners
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A Guide to Ireland for Foreigners (absolutely factual !!). 

And now for something completely different.

The text below was sent to me from Stormont by an MLA (who shall remain nameless) who treasures his sense of humour which successful operations have failed to remove. So, the only treatment left for him is that he serves out his time at the helm of central government. (Not a pun on sinking ships!)

Now we know why tourism in the North is lagging.

God help us all!!

* * *

Ireland is an island off the west of Britain, but Northern Ireland is just off the mainland – not the Irish mainland, but the British mainland.

Stormont buildings copy 2 copyThe capital of Ireland is Dublin, with a population of 4,000,000, all of whom will be shopping in Newry this afternoon.  They travel to Newry because it is in The North, which is not part of Ireland, but you can pay in Euros.  Many shops in Newry (which is in Great Britain) have a sign which reads: “Sterling also accepted”.

Under the Irish constitution, The North used to be part of Ireland, but an unsuccessful 30-year campaign of violence ensured that it is now definitely in the UK.  If the campaign had lasted any longer, it might now be in France.

Belfast is the capital of  The North with a population of 500,000, half of whom own houses in Donegal.  Donegal is in the north, but not in The North.  It is in The South – not the south but The South.

There are two parliaments in Ireland.  The one in Dublin is called The Dail, an Irish word meaning: a place where bankers receive tax-payers money.  The one in Belfast is called Stormont, an old Anglo-Saxon word meaning ‘placebo’ or ‘deliberatley ineffectual drug’.

The respective jurisdictions are defined by the border: an imaginary line on the map to show fuel launderers where to dump their chemical waste.

Protestants are in favour of the border, which generates millions of pounds in smuggling for the Catholics who oppose the border.

Travel between the two states is complicated because Ireland is the only place in the world with two M1 motorways.  The one in The North goes west to avoid The South, and the one in The South goes north to get to the shops in Newry.

There are two types of democracy in Ireland.  Dublin democracy works by holding a referendum and then the government decides if the result is correct, and if not: they just hold another one.  Twice in recent years, the government decided that the people hadn’t got it right the first time, and ordered another one.  Belfast democracy is different.  It has a parliament with no opposition, so the government is always right

Ireland has three economies: Northern, Southern and Black.  Only the Black is in the black; the other two are in the red.

(NOT SUITABLE READING FOR PROFESSORS OF LOGIC OR SMALL CHILDREN)